Be A Panic Attack Ally
This isn’t about the science of panic attacks, you can Google that easier than I can write about it. And It’s not about how to prevent them, they’re going to happen. It’s not even about my experience with having one.
This is purely about how to be a life jacket when someone feels like they’re drowning.
According to Mayo Clinic “A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you're losing control, having a heart attack, or even dying.”
Watching a friend or significant other have a panic attack can be frightening as well.
It seems there's nothing you can do and you feel helpless. And often your first response is to panic with them. I can tell you from personal experience that does not help. What the person needs is a calm ally. Someone to let them know that this will pass and things will be ok soon.
But it’s important to be delicate during this time. Saying “Everything will be ok, we just got to get through the next couple minutes.” Is a far cry from “It’ll be fine, stop worrying.”
Tone matters as much as words.
Try to speak a little softer and a little slower than you normally do. Not in an effort to mock them, but to help set the tone and atmosphere for calmness to return. It’s important to never discount how they are feeling because they already feel like a burden. And trying to rush them through a panic attack will only make it worse.
There are no hard and fast rules for helping someone through a panic attack.
But it’s important to be able to anticipate their needs. Rapid-firing questions at a person that already feels like the world is caving in won’t help. It’s a good idea to talk about what that person needs before an attack.
That way with a clear mind they can tell you exactly what helps them.
Some people may need space, others may want you as close as possible with tight hugs. But understand that plans can change quickly during a panic attack. If your partner or friend says “I need you to be close”, but the time comes and they decide that's not what they need, you should definitely take their word for it.
A pre-plan is nice so you can be as much help as possible. But it isn't necessarily written in stone.
Look at calmness as a stream, and a panic attack is the rocks and fallen trees in the stream. As the helper, you have to adjust and flow with the attack. A stream cannot force its own path (okay there is erosion and floods but normally they don’t just change course in a day) just like you cannot force someone to be calm. But you can maintain a calm, stream-like presence.
My wife has panic attacks and my job during them is to just be there.
We usually make a lot of eye contact and I try to rub her back or arm in time with my breathing. I will breathe louder and a bit slower than normal as an audible reminder for her to breathe without giving orders.
But the best trick we ended up learning, we learned from our dog.
This is not during a panic attack or anything. They’re just super cute.
She was very worried about my wife during one particular panic attack, so she did what she does best and got right in my wife's face and yawned.
We all know just how contagious yawns are, in fact just reading about it might get you to yawn, so naturally, my dog got my wife to yawn.
And that action of inhaling a big breath, while stretching her jaw was just enough to throw off her fast, shallow panicked breathing pattern and nearly break her panic attack altogether.
My dog's other secret weapon is being a 40-pound lap dog. The added weight is a nice bonus. From that, we learned how important it was to get her out of that short gasping breath cycle that her brain was telling her she needed to be doing in order to stay alive.
So now whenever a panic attack starts, I begin yawning, when she sees me yawn, she’ll eventually start yawning, and the process of recovering can begin. And I say recovering because once the physical part of the panic attack is over, the “emotional debrief” begins.
My wife, much like other folks that have a panic attack, will feel really bad and embarrassed about what just happened. And you have to understand why they could view it that way. To them, they lost control of their emotions. To them, they ruined the evening because they had a panic attack. To them, they’re a burden that needs to be babysat.
And of course, none of that is true.
Their anxiety just decided to be a dick. And they don’t always get to say when or how bad their anxiety gets.
The emotional tide that comes after a panic attack (for my wife) can range from full sobs and naps to a few apologies… and naps.
Physically, a panic attack is exhausting, so I always try to be cognizant of that and let my wife sleep if she happens to fall asleep. During an attack, their body is tricked into unlocking ancient caveman instincts. A panic attack would help a caveman run farther and faster, be ultra alert and aware of their surroundings, and be ready to fend off a Sabertooth tiger.
All of that adrenaline for an extended period of time would make anyone tired.
That same instinct doesn’t have the same translation in the frozen food section at the grocery store. But it still happens. So it's often really important for people to rest afterward.
Again, none of this is set in stone.
You know your partner or best friend better than anyone. It’s best to come up with a plan and be fluid with it.
A lighthouse isn’t there to rescue ships but to help them know where the shore is when the weather is stormy.
