Surviving the Season: Managing Grief During the Holidays
I’ve learned in my 40 years that I can handle a surprising number of challenges that young emilie would have thought were insurmountable. I’ve been pretty fortunate in the grand scheme of things. But one thing I still struggle with—no matter what I do—is the grief of losing my dad a few years ago.
We weren’t incredibly close when I was growing up. My parents divorced when I was young, and my dad had his struggles—jail here and there, difficulty holding steady work, and dreams and expectations that were probably not totally realistic. Yet, he was always there when I truly needed him, especially as I became a young adult (which, let’s be honest, is a messy time when you really need someone because I don't know about you, but I f'ed up... a lot).
When he had a stroke I was about 28—just starting to feel like I had my life together. Then, everything changed. I couldn't count on him anymore. I wasn't sure if I was coming or going since I had to travel to see him, and my life felt like it dissolved into chaos. Things improved over the next few years, and I eventually became his legal guardian. He was largely self-sufficient, thanks to a great caretaking team that included my aunts and uncles, and even my mom (thank goodness for her, seriously).
Then one late August day, I checked the camera in his house, and he was... gone. Just like that. I made the necessary calls, tried to keep myself together through the services and the bare minimum of the logistics of death, and then threw myself into work. It was the busiest time of year at my messy corporate job, and I didn’t feel like I had time to sit with my grief. Sure, the holidays were coming, but so what? All I wanted anyway was the one thing I could never have: my dad back.
I’ve done a lot of work since then to process those feelings and acknowledge my grief. This year is my first without that corporate job (maybe another source of grief!), but I’m managing pretty well, if I do say so myself. For example:
I only tell myself a couple of times a week, “What if this is our last Christmas with _________?” (Insert my wife, my mom, my dog, that one particular mall Santa I have no connection to, or even the kind lady who sometimes bags my groceries.) Everyone feels like they’re at risk in my grief-adverse mind. Growth!
I only change the channel if a movie’s dead-dad theme is a key plot point—not just a passing mention. Progress!
Finally, I’ve learned that I can create new traditions and memories. I don’t have to cling so hard to the old ones, or worry about what once was or will eventually be.
Creating New Traditions
The holidays can be especially tough when grief is fresh, but they also provide an opportunity to honor loved ones in new ways. Here are some ideas for creating traditions:
Memorial Ornaments: Create an ornament that reminds you of your loved one—a photo, a meaningful quote, or a symbol that represents them. I have taken on my dad's love of Batman.
“Their Favorite Things” Night: Dedicate one night to doing something your loved one enjoyed, like cooking their favorite meal, watching their favorite movie, or playing their favorite game. This year, we had frozen Rally's fries, ice cream, and nutty bars for Dad's birthday. A perfect Mike-meal.
Acts of Kindness in Their Name: Give back to the community in a way that reflects their values or interests, such as donating to a cause they cared about or volunteering. (thank you, r/random_acts_of_pizza)
A Memory Jar: Place a jar in a central spot and invite friends or family to jot down happy memories of your loved one. Read them together when the season feels overwhelming.
A New Routine: Embrace something new—whether it’s a morning walk, decorating a tree differently, or even a quiet moment of reflection.
Coping with Grief During the Holidays
Grief doesn’t go away; it becomes part of you. But there are ways to navigate it, especially during such an emotionally charged time:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to not feel festive. Let yourself experience the full range of emotions—joy, sadness, gratitude, and longing.
Set Boundaries: You don’t have to do everything or say yes to every invitation. Prioritize what feels manageable.
Have a Plan: Decide how you want to spend the holidays and communicate that to others. Having a plan can provide structure and ease anxiety.
Honor Your Loved One: Find a way to incorporate their memory into your holiday—whether through a quiet moment of reflection or an outward celebration of who they were.
Seek Support: Lean on friends, family, or professionals who can help you process your feelings. Talking about your grief can lighten the weight of carrying it alone.
My dad had this thing he’d say every single time a server asked, “Can I get you anything else?” His response was always, without fail, “World Peace?” To this day, I think of that every time a server asks me that question. It even made it onto my Christmas list this year. We can all dream, right? Mike Nichols (not the director) wouldn’t have it any other way.
Want to talk about grief, caretaking, or the weight of it all—especially during the holidays? Feel free to reach out. emilie@attherootsllc.com
Dad 💚: https://shorturl.at/w9Tcd
