A Quick word about active listening
Disclaimer: This is my opinion and not necessarily a stance ATR takes. Based on what I’ve learned over the years doing peer support. From local parks to the county jail. From hunting dinosaur fossils with kids to discussing life with a man in his late 70’s and everyone in between. Hot take: Active Listening sucks. While it can be a valuable tool for someone that needs a little help in remembering how to listen, it can also feel intimidating and challenging, both for the speaker and the listener.
First, let’s talk about why active listening can be intimidating. Eye contact. Enough said. Our parents and grandparents saw eye contact as a sign of respect. It’s 2025, long eye contact is seen as a way to intimidate and make someone nervous. It can easily be misconstrued as basically staring. No one wants to be stared at. As the listener, with empathy, it's uncomfortable to watch someone open up and be vulnerable.
Another major challenge, one that might be bigger than staring at people, is that, in our effort to be good active listeners, we can sometimes get too caught up in repeating the speaker's words or phrases. While paraphrasing is an essential part of active listening, overemphasizing this can lead us to focus more on the exact words rather than the underlying message or emotion. We might worry about saying the right thing or whether we’re interpreting their words correctly. This pressure can make us anxious, which can hinder our ability to engage fully in the conversation. This can create a barrier, as we may miss their story altogether.
I’ve found the best thing you can do is get rid of as many distractions as you can. Phone, TV, whatever. And just be present. Do whatever you need to do to be as present as you possibly can. And respond like a human would. Don’t be a parrot. Don't be the goo inside of a canned response. If someone tells you big stuff, respond in the way that feels right. Sometimes that's silence so you can wrap your head around it. Sometimes it's a few swear words. And sometimes it's a combo.
While active listening is a powerful tool for some in some situations, it’s essential to acknowledge the intimidation it can bring and the hang-ups of over-focusing on repetition. By practicing empathy and staying relaxed, we can create a more effective listening environment that benefits both the speaker and ourselves. And for the love of Pete never say "What I'm hear you say is..."
