5 Things I Need to Hear When My Depression is Bad (And 3 Things I DON'T)

“Major depressive disorder affects approximately 17.3 million American adults, or about 7.1% of the U.S. population age 18 and older, in a given year. (National Institute of Mental Health “Major Depression”, 2017)”

In other words, depression isn’t exactly a rare condition. 

Even still, as a society, we’re struggling to recognize it, support those who have it, and frankly, even talk about it in meaningful ways. It’s often met with an air of pity that’s tainted with the faint but easily recognizable scent of discomfort. We want to make it “go away” simply because it stirs feelings in us that we’re not comfortable enough to sit with. 

I’ve found over the years that discussions about depression are often met with a rushed urgency to “fix it” rather than an invitation to sit with it, embrace it, heal it, and learn to live well with it. And I’m not just speaking of my conversations with individuals if I’m being honest. I see this on a systemic level where we rush to medication (it absolutely works for some folks YAY! but often isn’t the fix-all we make it out to be), point fingers, and then fade as quickly into the bushes as possible - Homer Simpson style. 

One of the things I’ve heard a lot is, “Well I don’t know what to say.” 

And I get it. 

Those conversations can feel like a minefield especially when you’ve never experienced depression firsthand. Many times people are so worried about saying the WRONG thing they give up on trying to say anything at all. They go silent. They step back. They’ll drop right off the face of the earth if they have to. 

But I don’t believe for one second that most people don’t want to be able to support those they love. I think they do want to, deeply. 

That’s why I’ve compiled my top 3 list of things I don’t want to hear in the midst of my depression and my top 5 list of things I DO want someone to say. While everyone is different and other folks with depression may not necessarily agree, I hope that it gives those who read it a jumping-off point to more meaningful and helpful conversations.

The Top 3 Things I Don’t Want to Hear When I’m Struggling with Depression:

Have you tried….

Listen, it’s not that I’m not open to new ways of doing things but the reality is, I’ve lived with depression since I was in my late teens. It’s not new to me any more than the chill of a Wisconsin winter is. I’ve tried meditation, medication, therapy, yoga, exercise, etc. Some of them work, some of them don’t for me. And I can assure you that I’m always, ALWAYS working my “plan”, meaning I do what I need to do to stay well. But regardless, I still have hard days sometimes… sometimes weeks. It’s a part of the illness and something I just have learned to manage and live with. 

When someone asks me if I’ve tried something without any prompting on my end that I’m looking for new ideas or any ask for consent on their part to share said ideas with me, it tells me one thing - my depression is making them uncomfortable and they want to fix it NOW. Not for me, for them. They want an easy fix to make their own discomfort stop. 


You really have so much to be grateful for/ at least you have….

I know. I do. My life is literally perfect, outside of my challenges of course. But I wouldn’t change any of those things for anything. I love my life. Seriously, I LOVE it. 

I don’t need a reminder of how “good” I have it. I’m not depressed because my life sucks. I’m depressed because I have an illness. Just in the same way someone isn’t diabetic because they’re just not grateful enough for insulin, I’m not depressed because of a lack of gratitude for how beautiful my life is. 

There are a million things that can lead to depression and most people have so many of these things (trauma, body chemistry, illness, loss, grief, poverty, nutrition, physical health challenges, etc.) wrapped up together it’s impossible to actually pinpoint a singular cause. But I would be willing to bet that it’s NEVER a lack of gratitude causing depression. 

When someone reminds me of what I have to be grateful for or says something like, “But at least you have XYZ,” all it does is twist the knife in my heart a little deeper because I already feel guilty for having depression in the first place. I haven’t forgotten how lucky I am. I know and that doesn’t change the fact that it takes all the will I have as a human to get out of bed some days. It doesn’t stop my brain from beating me up so hard on the inside that I feel like one more blow will be the kill strike. And it doesn’t bring the joy back into the things I once found joy in nor does it stop all the physical symptoms that make me feel like my body is crumbling and falling apart. 


You do a really good job of hiding it/you’re high functioning/I never would have guessed!

In a way, I know all of those things are probably true. I’ve actually become quite the master of hiding my mental illness over the years because I HAD to in order to survive. Or at least, I thought I had to. I’ve grown up in the midwest with the “bootstrapper” mentality being firmly ingrained in my psyche. I’m still having to do the work to remind myself that it’s not a failure of character to struggle. It’s a grace I extend unconditionally to others but struggle to share with myself at times. 

And I think, for the most part, when people say this they’re coming from a good place. But what I hear is that I’m doing a “good job” of not burdening other people with my issues. And in order to do a “good job”, it would imply that the right thing to do is to NOT share your struggles, NOT need help, and NOT ever waiver in your ability to be a productive member of society. 

Pardon my french here but… fuck that. 

While I totally agree that we can’t just emotionally dump on everyone all the time, we shouldn’t be expecting people to carry this burden alone. That narrative is dangerous, detrimental, and frankly does nothing to solve the problem. We shouldn’t applaud peoples’ ability to “hide” how much pain they’re in. We should be inviting them to be real, share their feelings, and get help when they need it. 

By encouraging and praising the opposite behavior and considering it some marker of strength or function, we’re perpetuating the stigma of depression and encouraging folks to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps”.

The Top 5 Things I DO Want to Hear When I’m Struggling With Depression

I love/like you because…

Seriously. I forget. I assume everyone hates me as much as my brain seems to in that moment. Hearing the reasons that you find me loveable/likeable means so much to me, even when I struggle to believe them. 

I don’t know what to say.

I appreciate the vulnerability and honestly in this statement. I would take this a million times over one of the three in the list above. I especially love when this is followed by but…

I’m here for you. 

I often feel lonely and disconnected, especially when my depression is really bad. Knowing that someone is willing to just hold space for me and hear me out is like getting a deep breath of fresh air after you’ve been underwater for too long. 

That really does sound hard…

Or really any other words of validation. The opposite of this is #2 in the list above. Like I said, I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I love my life. But that can be true and it can also be true that there are things that are hard, painful, and difficult to navigate. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Validating my feelings is such powerful medicine for me. 

Would you like to try doing ____ together? 

Pushing me or forcing me to do something isn’t helpful. But asking if I would like to try an activity (going for a walk, watching a movie, etc.) helps me remain at the center of the choice and empowers me to take a supported step. The most beautiful world in that question, however, is TOGETHER. It tells me I’m not alone, I don’t have to do things alone, and that even when I’m at my “worst” you still want to spend time with me. Hello, lifeline!

If you’re struggling with depression or have a loved one you’d like to learn how to support better, At The Roots LLC can help.

CLICK HERE to schedule a session with a provider of your choice. 

Free Hotline Numbers

  • National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)If your depression is leading to suicidal thoughts, call the National Hopeline to connect with a depression treatment center in your area. The Hopeline also offers a live chat feature for those who don’t want to (or are unable to) call and can dispatch emergency crews to your location if necessary.

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Their network of crisis centers provide emotional support and guidance to people in distress and are also available via a chat service and a special hotline number for the hearing impaired: 1-800-799-4889.

  • National Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-4663This resource provides brief interventions for youth who are dealing with pregnancy, sexual abuse, child abuse, depression, and suicidal thoughts. They also provide referrals to local counseling, treatment centers, and shelters.

Personal Stories, Mental HealthRenee Sommerdepression, support, peer support, personal story