Personal Story: Choosing Gratitude
“Nothing should be more highly prized than the value of each day.”
This is a quote printed on a piece of wood with a worn image of a sunset shimmering off the water that is hanging on my office wall. Daily, this simple little square reminds me to slow down and not wish away the days.
I consider myself a lucky person, a privileged person even. After all, I have a place of my own that I can keep warm, enough clothes that turn into too much laundry, a fridge full of food (even if some of it is condiments that expired in 2021), friendships that feel like home, a daughter who is pure empathetic sunshine, and a new cat who sheds as much as he loves. I’m grateful, so ridiculously grateful. But I haven’t always felt that way. Some days still feel like there is no winning the battles that plague my brain, no matter how blessed I am.
When you’ve been low, so low that you can’t see the value of each day, it’s hard to fathom the point of all this. Nothing feels worth carrying on for. Each day feels like you’re in last place of the slowest, longest race. The little things we normally could appreciate fall away because of the big deep hole we’re engulfed in.
When I was at my lowest, sleeping was the hardest. I would tell myself to just make it through until daylight – just get to a new day and try to survive that one. This worked…until it didn’t. I didn’t want to just survive, but living felt impossible, and thriving wasn’t in my grasp, so dying became the option. I was a teacher at the time, and my 300 students are what saved my life. I stopped myself at the thought of them wondering where Ms. Grover had gone. That ripple was too much to put on kids who still saw the beauty in the simple things life had to offer. That moment is timestamped in my brain as my rebirth, the moment I knew I had to do whatever it took to *really* live this one life I get, at least in this form.
So, I made myself appreciate the sunrise as more than just the thing declaring a new day, reminded myself I take up such a comically small physical space on this planet comparatively, and that the energy in trees have more strength and longevity than I ever will. I started to dig deep within connection; connection to who I wanted to be, connection to my family that I felt I didn’t know much about, connection to my students who were the window to all things simple and good and innocent. I needed to put in the work to prove to myself that these things were enough, and it turned out to be true.
The days keep comin’ whether we live for them or not, and gratitude is a hearty connecting thread in our messy mental health quilt, so pause where you can to acknowledge the little things that make life warm and worth it to you.
