Just Me, My ADHD and the Stimulant Shortage Impacting Our Communities

Just over a year ago, at age 39, I was diagnosed with ADHD.

While I have seen many mental health professionals and medical doctors over the years, no one had ever once mentioned the possibility of me having ADHD. Truthfully the idea had never even occurred to me until the TikTok algorithm started slipping in videos about ADHD between funny animals and social justice stuff.

Even then, I didn’t think they were talking about ME. Instead, I showed the video to my husband who ended up being diagnosed with ADHD a few months later.

Wanting to understand better what he was going through, I started researching (no, not just TikTok videos) and it didn’t take long before I had a record-scratch moment. Much of what I was reading applied to me too.

Truthfully, my first thought was something along the lines of… ugh, whatever, literally everyone experiences these things.

And to some degree, that’s true.

We all forget stuff, misplace things, get distracted, and get antsy every once in awhile.

But when those things happen to someone without ADHD it’s probably not that big of a deal. Hell, it’s probably even funny most of the time.

It certainly doesn’t happen often enough that other people are calling them lazy, they’re getting fired, relationships are crumbling, and they’re questioning their worth as humans.

Those blips of inattentiveness or hyperactivity don’t put them at a statistically significant greater risk of injury and suicide.

Their bank accounts aren’t empty, their debt isn’t high, and their brains don’t wage psychological warfare on themselves in an attempt to get them to drain their savings to pursue a new hobby or special interest that they’ll likely abandon and beat themselves up for.

And most definitely, these little mishaps don’t drive them to desperate measures in attempts to self-medicate or to contemplate suicide because they just cannot be, do, or show up the way they want to in this world.

It’s just not the same thing. Not at all.

And I didn’t even really realize how much I was struggling.

We hear about masking a lot which is how we describe the behavior a neurodivergent person has to perform in order to fly under the radar and fit in to society. For me, that mask was also a curtain that I hadn’t ever bothered to look behind.

And when I did, my whole life changed.

First, within just a few months of treatment for ADHD I no longer felt depressed or anxious (at least not clinically so – I’m still human). I was diagnosed with depression in my late teens and with anxiety in my 20s. Part of my recovery was accepting these would always be challenges I’d face and instead of fighting so hard against them, I learned how to manage and live with them… and they were just GONE.

My provider explained it to me as the “ADHD Tree”. Basically, ADHD was the tree roots (I swear he used a root metaphor unprompted) that eventually formed anxiety, which was part of my mask. Anxiety helped to make sure I’m on time for things, didn’t forget things because I obsessed over them, and drove me to push myself so hard to achieve things that no one could ever call me lazy ever again. Anxiety then, becomes the tree you see. But all of that leads to burnout and when your systems are all running at 1000mph day in and day out, when they finally give out they crash hard. *Depression (aka the leaves) enters the chat*

Once the issue was treated AT THE ROOTS the rest of it sort of cleared up on it’s own.

And to have that weight lifted was pretty life changing on its own but it got better.

I was prescribed stimulants.

Now, I’m really not much of a medication person. My medical records call me “non-compliant” more than once and I basically have to be throwing up from pain to even consider taking so much as an aspirin.

But after seeing the way they helped my husband I thought it was worth a shot.

Initially I was pretty worried that they were going to send my anxiety through the roof. This is a little funny because in hindsight, I’d naturally sought out stimulants (caffeine and nicotine, anyone?) my entire life. When I consider the timeline, quitting smoking (it took several attempts) actually correlates directly with the times my anxiety was at a peak.

Go figure.

As it turns out, the medication actually helps calm my brain. I went from having 530 tabs open to about 25. That’s still a lot of tabs but compared to 530, it’s a lot quieter up in this brain than it used to be. This allows me to think more clearly, focus on things I need to, make less impulsive decisions, and be far more productive in healthy ways.

It doesn’t change who I am. It just lets me actually be me with far less effort or barriers.

Truthfully, though, learning I have ADHD and getting treatment for it hasn’t been all sunshine and roses.

As the weight of my ADHD mask fell off, I discovered another issue lurking below it.

I’m pretty sure I’m autistic (which would make it AuDHD but that’s another blog post entirely). I haven’t been diagnosed formally because that’s very difficult to get done as an adult in this area. But there really isn’t a doubt in my mind.

The trouble is, when the cat’s away (ADHD) the mouse (Autism) will play.

In my case this means way more meltdowns, increased sensory sensitivity, higher support needs, and a lowered ability to mask successfully.

While many of these things have always been present in my life, I didn’t realize they weren’t universal experiences in everyone’s life. I’m suddenly much more aware that I’m different. And while it’s validating to know that I’m not crazy, things are different for me, and there are words to describe my experiences – it sucks feeling like you’ll never really fit in because other people know how to human better than you do (allegedly).

The biggest struggle for me, though, is not being able to UNsee what’s behind the curtain.

I’m now aware that given the right pharmaceuticals and self-care, my brain can fire on all cylinders. With my meds, I can be just as productive (if not more) than I was before while using only about half of the energy I used to. When you’re not spending all your time being hypervigilant, beating yourself up constantly, and trying so damn hard to focus so you can just “do the thing” you suddenly have a lot more time to enjoy life.

Which is cool, until there’s a fucking stimulant shortage…which there has been for a couple of years now.

Having been prescribed this medication in the middle of a shortage, I’ve had to quickly learn how to navigate pharmacies being out of stock, the differences between manufacturers, and the frustrations of having dosages changed not because that’s what treatment called for but because my provider needed to go with what was available so I didn’t have to go completely without.

I’m currently in the position of having a month’s worth of pills by a particular manufacturer that just does NOT work for me. It increases my anxiety to the point of ramping up my suicidal ideation and only gives me about 25% of the same benefits as other manufacturers at this dosage. The alternative is I just don’t take them until I’m eligible for a refill which maybe wouldn’t be a big deal it didn’t mean a resurgence of anxiety and depression or a complete loss of focus while I run a business that requires me to focus… like a lot. That’s an impossible choice. In a game of Would You Rather I would want to not rather at all.

I have been saying for months that the stimulant shortage is the new opioid crisis in the making.

Not only were there prescribers overprescribing and helping to create the shortage but do you know what the illicit (and much more dangerous) alternative to Adderall most likely is?

Meth. METH.

Adderall is Amphetamine/dextroamphetamine salt.

Meth is short for Methamphetamine.

And when you’re faced with an impossible choice like I described above and you’re suddenly given a third option, well…

Here’s the thing, there are far more people functioning and flying under the radar while using methamphetamine than most people would guess.

There are people who are incarcerated in our area jails because they sought a third choice since the two I just described were unbearable and they’ll likely never be able to access their actual medication again because of the charges.

And we are losing people in our community to overdose because the shit they got had fentanyl in it.

It’s easy for some people to shrug and say this is all a choice and if someone gambles on an illicit drug they have to accept the “consequences”.

It’s easy, that is, until it’s their teenager who couldn’t get their meds but was desperate to ace the ACTs so they took what they thought was their friend’s prescribed stimulant.It’s not so easy when it turns out to be counterfeit and contains a deadly amount of fentanyl.

It’s easy until you’re the one whos entire life is falling apart. Until you’re the one facing disciplinary action at work because you can’t stay focused, you’ve once again impulsively spent your rent money, and your partner is on the brink of walking away because they don’t think you’re pulling your weight. They keep saying “if you wanted to, you would” but they don’t understand how desperately and deeply you DO WANT TO but can’t.

It's easy until you’re on your 8th day of contemplating suicide because you can’t stand screwing everything up and being a failure constantly while knowing most everyone else is able to do all the things just fine. You can’t help but think you’re just a lazy piece of shit who can’t “adult” and if most of life is adulting, well…

My point is, while it may be easy to judge it’s not an easy choice to make. It’s an impossible one.

And while it may seem like I’m being overly dramatic, the CDC finally issued a warning in July regarding what I (and others with ADHD in the recovery world) have been saying.

The stimulant shortage isn’t an inconvenience. It’s going to COST LIVES.

It is ADHD Awareness Month next month, which is why I’m sharing all of this.

It’s not enough to just be a little nicer to your kid, partner, or friend with ADHD.

We need to call for a policy change.

We need to hold prescribers and drug companies responsible for the situation they’ve created.

We need to have frank conversations with people of all ages who have ADHD and could potentially be at even the smallest risk off making desperate decisions in the face of this shortage.

We need earlier and more widespread screening to offer behavioral therapy and medication where appropriate while instilling supportive lifestyle changes before they ever get desperate enough to figure things out on their own.

We need to make sure those who are self-medicating have access to fentanyl test strips.

And we need to go beyond awareness into a space of compassion for those who are out there doing their best over and over again even when the world keeps telling them it’s not quite good enough.

Be gentle with yourselves and others, friends.