You’re not actually fine, you’re functioning (for now)

There’s a certain person that we all should be a lot more worried about.

It’s not the one sitting in HR every other week bawling their eyes out.
It’s not the person who’s clearly struggling.
It’s not the one everyone is organizing a meal train for.

(To be clear, those people all still deserve support, too.)

But the people I’m talking about are the ones who are… fine.

They are:

Getting everything done.
Holding everything together.
Showing up.
Following through.
Being the reliable one.

From the outside, it looks like it’s working.

And technically, it is.

But underneath the surface, there’s this constant hum of pressure and urgency that never actually turns off.

Their brain doesn’t stop running through their endless to-do list, so wound up from the fact that they could never get all of it done that they miss all that they have accomplished.

Even when they sit down, they’re not really resting – they’re just stressing, planning, and preparing in a seated position.

Even when things are “good” or quiet, they’re not actually enjoying them – they’re hypervigilant and waffling between using this opportunity to start something else or being convinced they’ve forgotten something important.

At best, they’re maintaining. More likely, it’s a smoke and mirrors show where they’re juggling 200 glass knick-knacks while barefoot, and their arms are exhausted, but they’re too afraid that if you drop one, it’ll shatter.

Or worse, maybe they’ll shatter too.

And the weird part is, this is the thing that gets rewarded.

They’re the ones people trust.
The ones people go to.
The ones who can “handle it.

The one everyone says they don’t know what they’d do without them.

According to the Women at Work: A Global Outlook Report.

They’re the ones that everyone counts on but never feel obligated to support because they’re convinced that person never needs it.

Sound like you? Sounds like me, too.

When it all starts to feel like too much, it doesn’t make sense.

Because nothing is wrong, exactly.

We built this.
We worked for this.
This is what we wanted our lives to look like.

At one point we may have prayed or begged the universe for this.

And we know that the version of us from 10 years ago would commit felony level crimes to be in our shoes today.

But maybe you can’t stop fantasizing about letting it all come crashing down, tiptoing through the broken glass and disappearing into the forest never to be heard from again.

Maybe you stay up way too late because it’s the only time no one expects anything from you. Then, when morning comes, you have to drag yourself out of bed and force yourself to get dressed to live this ‘dream life’ you’ve created.

Everything hurts. You’re bone weary. Your laugh sounds a little tinny, and when you see yourself in pictures, you can’t help but notice the bags under your eyes and how your smile never quite reaches them anymore.

But you can’t really say anything to anyone or ask for help because they’ll say…

“Well, take a break (or vacation) then.”

“You need to set better boundaries.”

“Stop saying yes when you don’t mean it.” 

“Are you practicing self-care? No one else can do that for you, ya know?”

“You need to practice mindfulness, you’re way too worried about the future.”

And while some of that is probably good advice at its core and the people saying it probably really are trying to help, it’s not that simple because…

Take a break… from what, exactly?
The responsibilities don’t go anywhere. A break just sets you back and things pile up.

Set boundaries and say no to who? Your job? Your family? Your own expectations? And how? Because you don’t want to add finding a new job and repairing a relationship with a partner to your to-do list.

When you’re responsible for taking care of literally everyone around you, how are you supposed to take care of yourself too?

And mindful?! YOUR MIND IS ALREADY FULL. You don’t need to be any more aware of ALLTHETHINGS right in front of you.

If that sounds familiar, I’ve got bad news for you – that’s burnout, baby.

*From Business Insider

And it will literally never get better by doing what you’re doing.

You don’t get out of a hole by digging faster and harder.

I probably don’t have to tell you this because you’ve probably taken 42 online quizzes and consumed all of the books, podcasts, and online forums you can fit in, but you’re not alone in this.

It’s actually, unfortunately, super common.

Over half of working women say they feel stressed most of the day.

Not occasionally.
Not during busy seasons.

Most of the day.

If you’re stressed most of the day, then where do meaning, joy, connection, and rest fit in?

(let’s all collectively have a knowing laugh and then cry into cold coffee together for a minute)

The contemporary conversations around burnout seem to circle two ideas – you either melt down or optimize.

Crash or perform better.

There’s not a lot of space in between to just be honest about what it actually feels like to live in that middle. And do we really have to wait for everything to come crashing down, and we have to start over to feel any relief?

We’re not phoenixes for Carl Jr’s sake, we’re humans.

Forcing ourselves to find our breaking points before we’re afforded an ounce of compassion, support, or relaxation is… and I’m going to say this as gently as I can…

Stupid. (I tried.)

And we’re too smart for this, honestly. We couldn’t be as successful as we are, we couldn’t have achieved what we have, by being stupid.

So there’s really nothing left to do but get smart about it.

This is the personal journey I’ve been on the last couple of years (or maybe my whole adult life, it’s hard to tell anymore).

Unlike most posts on this subject, I’m not going to tell you I’ve got it all figured out or hand you a checklist to follow that’ll make it all better. But I’m happy to share a couple of truths I’ve learned along the way that might help you, too.

You can’t give 100% to anything. The math doesn’t even make sense. You only get 100% to start with, and if you give it to one thing, you don’t have enough energy to even feed yourself. Start giving 5%, 10%, or maybe even 20%. Your best is really what you can give while still taking care of your own needs.

The bar is lower than you think. Period.

Forcing yourself to say “That’s not a priority for me right now” instead of “I didn’t have time” will radically change the way you approach things because it’s very hard to say “remembering to pick up a cake for your birthday isn’t a priority for me right now” or “making sure I don’t pass out from forgetting to eat isn’t a priority for me right now” or “I’m not coming to your recital because it’s not a priority for me right now” if you don’t actually mean it. It’s a pretty quick way to see where your priorities really are.

Any relationship, job, partnership, etc. that requires you to sacrifice your own health and well-being isn’t worth it – all that amounts to is consumption. It’ll chew you up and move on to the next person and you’ll have nothing to show for it. You weren’t meant to be fuel for someone else’s fire.

And finally, and I say this with love… you’re not that special.

Humans need 7+ hours of sleep a night to function.

Humans need a variety of nutrients and certain fluid intake levels to survive.

Humans need connection and community, so much so that the lack of it impacts their health as much as smoking.

Humans need novelty and occasional floods of dopamine to keep from going insane.

Humans need to feel their emotions. They serve biological and social functions. Being cut off from them isn’t a badge of honor - it’s something we see show up in actual clinical conditions.

You’re not so special that you can do it all on your own, shut off your emotions, bury yourself in work, tie your identity entirely to achievement, and run on four hours of sleep and iced coffee, without it catching up to you.

You’re just not, I’m sorry.

Which means the answer isn’t to try harder.

It’s not to optimize your morning routine.
It’s not to find a better planner.
It’s not to finally crack the code on doing more without feeling like this.

It’s to stop pretending this is sustainable.

And to give yourself even a small amount of space to actually look at what’s going on before something forces you to.

That’s it.

That’s the work.

Not exactly glamorous or dramatic.
But a hell of a lot easier than burning everything down and starting over.

Renee Sommer

As the Owner and Director of At The Roots LLC, Renee combines her lived and professional experience with a dash of cuss words and a low tolerance for fluff to build practical, human-centered solutions that actually work.

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